Atlantis vs Samantha
by Infinity-R-Us
Summary: Atlantis hears Samantha and Rodney arguing, but when Sam calls Atlantis 'just a city,, Atlantis decides to get rid of the woman.
1. Chapter 1

_Authors' note: This is a DPB, Meagra Solace and Silver Pixie collaboration. But if Hubby had been here, he would have done the same thing to Sam..._

_Disclaimer: We do not own Stargate Atlantis (except on DVD), but Meagra Solace still has a thing for McKay. Smart is sexy. Silver Pixie likes Carson Becket – the accent is her thing. DPB is married, so she can appreciate McKay and Beckett without ever having to choose!_

_PS – We got the shower idea from another Atlantis story, but we can't remember the title, we think it was: Things not to do on Atlantis._

**Chapter 1**

Atlantis was lazily bathing in the late afternoon sun. It was a new world beneath a new sun, but she enjoyed it none the less. Somewhere Radek Zelenka was rewiring a faulty system – _Yes, that was the spot!_ – and Miko Kusanagi was reprogramming the internal sensor array, leaving a pleasant tingly sensation. Just as the sun was disappearing and her lower levels were being bathed in darkness, a disturbing blast of anger woke her from her reverie.

She activated one of the internal sensors that not even Rodney McKay had discovered yet and tried to look for the source of the anger. There were quite a number of her human children that could talk to her and she loved all of them. But she especially loved those who were scientists: they were the ones who maintained her beauty and functionality.

"I'm sorry, Rodney, but I can't allow this." The voice was that of Samantha Carter, Atlantis identified. She quickly searched her memory banks, but found very little on the human.

"But the science team has been doing it this way from the start!" _Ah, the angry voice is Rodney McKay_, Atlantis immediately knew. He was one of her favourites. She had a very soft spot for the human scientist. He was a genius at fixing her little problems! He had the gene to communicate with her, and it was his anger she was feeling. _Interesting_.

"I know, but this is not standard SGC protocol," Samantha Carter replied.

"Okay, but what do they know about running this program? What do they know about living on Atlantis?" Rodney McKay retorted.

"Well, as I wrote most of the protocols myself, I do believe they know enough. I have been doing this for a while now."

"Traipsing through the gate to different back-water planets is not the same as living on Atlantis." Atlantis glowed with pride as Rodney McKay manfully stood up for her. She could hear the sneer in his voice. "Weir would have understood this!"

"Weir allowed you too much freedom. From now on this mission will be run with military precision!" Atlantis bristled. Nobody talks about her lost child like that! Elizabeth Weir might not have had the gene, but she had understood Atlantis' needs. She had always stood up for the city!

"Don't you dare talk about Elizabeth!" If Atlantis had been able to talk, that would have been her exact words. _Thank you, Rodney McKay_.

"Rodney, get out."

"You can't throw me out of my own lab!" _Go, Rodney McKay!_

"This is only your lab because the IOA allows it."

"It is my lab because Atlantis needs me!" Both humans were screaming by now.

"Rodney, stop talking about Atlantis like it is alive. It's just a highly technologically advanced city!"

Atlantis wondered if she could zap Samantha Carter on her way out. Well, at least the woman was leaving Rodney McKay's lab right now. But the woman turned around for a final parting shot:

"Get with the program or be prepared to clean out your office."

_Okay, that was the last straw_, Atlantis decided. _Samantha Carter has got to go_!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

It has been a week since the confrontation in the lab. This past week Sam had been experiencing strange annoyances. It was nothing big or anything she could put her finger on. But something was definitely amiss. Something almost like that strange feeling one got when being watched – only more pervasive – had been making the hairs on the back of Samantha's neck stand on end.

The first thing she had noticed was that no matter how hard she tried, she hasn't had a warm cup of coffee in a week. The person in front of her would get a nice steaming cup, but moments later the coffee machine would act up and it would either be empty or the coffee would be ice cold. Zelenka had looked at the machine several times now, but has of yet not been able to find anything wrong with it. He has been muttering a lot in Czech lately, though, and looking strangely at her. That man frightened her just a little bit.

Next up had been the fact that somehow she never received any team e-mails anymore. And no matter how many notices and mails she kept sending, nobody ever received them. Well, Kavanagh had gotten a mail from her terminal once, but she had definitely not been the author of that love sonnet!

Again, nobody could find any problems with the system.

By Thursday it had progressed to loud music: every morning at 03:38 loud music would blare from the speaker system in her room. Invariably it would be Johann Stauss' 'Sunrise.' Rodney had informed her this piece of music was associated with the movie '2010, A Space Odyssey,' and played at the part of the movie where the ape-men discovered fire. She wondered if somebody was trying to tell her something.

She had had the com-system disconnected in her room, but it made no difference: now the lights in her room flashed to the beat of the music; almost like a water-organ. She noticed the tune was still Stauss' 'Sunrise.' Just too bad 'Sunrise' occurred every morning at 03:38.

Sam was starting to unravel at the edges: she hasn't had a good night's rest in nearly a week without the buffer of caffeine. Furthermore her stress levels had risen with the amount of work lost with the malfunctioning e-mail system.

Saturday afternoon found her standing by the rail outside her office, overlooking the gate-room. She was gloomily staring into the cup of coffee in her hand she so desperately needed, but could not stomach: it was ice-cold. Sam heard footsteps approaching.

"Elizabeth used to stand right there and stare into the distance when she was troubled," Sheppard said as he leaned on the rail next to her. "You want to talk about it?" he asked.

Sam sighed. "I've been having a difficult week, to put it mildly. My room has been acting weird, my coffee is always cold and my e-mails don't seem to get through. Oh, and about an hour ago I tried to take a nap, but the smell in my room...!" She sighed once more. "Rodney tells me that somehow Atlantis has rerouted the garbage outlet and it now empties next to my window. Yet he also tells me that he can't find anything wrong with the system!"

Sheppard rolled over so that now he had his back to the railing. He regarded the woman next to him. "You know," he drawled, "perhaps you should take Rodney a bit more seriously. I know he tends to get on one's nerves, but he is the smartest scientist around here."

Sam glared at the military commander of Atlantis, sure he was meaning well, but aware he was failing miserably in cheering her up. Or giving her any advice worth having.

John left, leaving her with the distinct feeling he did not approve of her. No matter, she was in command now, and she would prove her worth!

She turned to go back inside, only to walk into the closed door. She rubbed her aching nose and took a step back, glaring at the door. She ran her hand over the crystal control-panel next to the door, but nothing happened. Usually every door would yield to this command, except when Atlantis ordered some kind of lock down.

Suddenly she had enough! Only the scientists could be behind these juvenile pranks! She decided there and then to get to the bottom of this. Well, as soon as she could get back inside.

The first moon had risen by the time doctor Simson found her standing – frozen half to death – on the balcony. She glared at the woman and marched past her into the control room.

"Chuck, get me city-wide!" she ordered. The usually friendly and smiling Canadian gave her one look and then lowered his head. He refused to look her way again.

"Yes, Colonel," he answered.

She tapped the little micro-phone at her ear. "Attention," she began. But then she instantly yanked it from her head as the feed-back nearly deafened her. What the...?

She spun around and glowered at Chuck. "What just happened?" she demanded.

"What do you mean?" The man looked a little spooked. Then he touched his own micro-phone. "Doctor McKay, please come to the control room."

Minutes later an angry Rodney stormed into the room. "What have you broken now? I have enough work without having to hold your hands every time something baffles you," the scientist demanded, waving his hands in the air. He pushed Chuck aside and fiddled with his controls. Then he fiddled some more. Rodney looked at Chuck. Chuck looked back, shrugging his shoulders. Then the two of them looked over at Samantha. The look they were giving her was not reassuring.

"There's nothing wrong with the system," McKay snapped. "You must have done something wrong." With that he spun around and marched back out, already busy typing on his PDA.

The week slowly drew to a close and Samantha Carter was starting to become twitchy. She was not sure she could take another week of this.

Sunday morning Teyla knocked on her door. The Athosian woman carefully stepped into the room after Sam let her in.

"Yes?" Sam snapped irritably.

"I couldn't help but notice you have been...tired these past few days," Teyla softly stated.

Sam took a deep breath. Then she took another. Finally she had some semblance of her composure back. Then she saw a weird look on Teyla's face. "What is it?" she asked.

"What's that smell?" Teyla finally managed.

"Garbage," Sam ground out between her teeth.

"I think perhaps it would be wise if I did not bother you with the details of how that happened," Teyla said, trying to take only quick, shallow breaths through her mouth. Too bad it even tasted bad.

Sam has had enough! She marched past Teyla to the transporter, prepared to grind the truth out of any and all scientists she could find.

The door slid closed in the transporter room and she felt the strange sensation of her molecules disassembling. Moments later the doors slid open onto a dark, damp corridor. This was not the scientists' main lab!

She tried to transport back to the main tower, but the transporter stubbornly refused to work. Instead it only bleeped, almost as if it was laughing at her.

John and the rescue team finally found her a few hours later, sitting in a damp corner. She had her knees pulled up beneath her chin, but her tears had dried a long time ago, leaving dark streaks on her cheeks.

As reassurance that there was someone with scientific know-how, the team had brought Kavanagh along and now she and the pony-tailed man stepped into the now perfectly working transporter. Kavanagh initiated the dematerialisation, but when they rematerialised Atlantis refused to open the transporter doors for them. Suddenly the quarantine klaxon sounded. She was trapped along with Kavanagh in this very small room!

It was nearly midnight by the time the doors slid open. A frowning Rodney stood on the other side.

"I'm sorry Sam, but it seems your smell confused Atlantis." He frowned. "Perhaps you had better get cleaned up."

Samantha cracked just a little bit then. She yelled at Rodney, accusing him and the rest of the scientists of rigging the transporter, breaking the doors, turning the coffee machine against her... It was at this stage that she realised how deranged she sounded.

So she stiffened her spine and marched back to her room, experiencing only minor difficulties with the doors – eventually they all opened in front of her.

When she entered her room she was pleasantly surprised to find the lights were working and the smell had gone. Perhaps the scientists had finally had enough of their childish behaviour!

Slowly she undressed, already contemplating the pleasure of a nice, long, hot shower. She stepped into the stall and ran her hand over the crystals. But instead of hot water, a blast of frigid water burst from the shower head! With a yelp she slapped the control crystals again, but it did not help. A third time she ran her hand over the crystals.

Well, at least the cold water had stopped, Zelenka told her afterwards. She nearly strangled him: okay, so the cold water had stopped. But then the shower had dropped a bucket-full of snotty, gooey, slimy, gross lime-flavoured jell-o on her head!

After fiddling with the shower for a little while, Zelenka shook his head at her. "Well, it seems your shower now has two settings," he told her. "Cold water and lime jell-o."

She was tired, slime covered, still smelling of fish, cold and dressed only in her robe. She had another little break-down.

"I know! Just fix it!"

"I can't," Zelenka told her. "You'll need Rodney to take a look at this."

"Then get Rodney in here NOW!"

"I can't," Radek shook his head once more. "Atlantis will not allow him into the room."

"WHAT!"

"Well, he is very allergic to citrus, you know," the Czech informed her. "Atlantis knows this."

"ATLANTIS IS NOT ALIVE!! GET OUT!!"

Monday morning found Sam even more stressed out. Finally she had been forced to take a cold shower and she still craved coffee.

To top it all off she now had to accompany SGA 13 on a diplomatic mission to DPB-35MSSP, a small, sparsely populated swamp-planet. Sheppard had previously tried to rename it to Dagobah.

The team walked ahead of her, making sure it was safe. One by one they passed through the wormhole. But when she stepped up to the event horizon, the shield activated and she walked straight into it, nearly breaking her nose again.

"Rodney!" she barked. Aware of the troubles plaguing her, Rodney had volunteered to stand by in the control room. So now he fiddled with some controls, and finally the shield dropped. Quickly she stepped through, savouring the idea of a few hours away from Atlantis and her woes.

Four hours later they were dirty, cold and tired. But try as they may, they could not establish a wormhole. Rodney had tried everything, but finally he had informed them they would have to divert the _Daedalus_ who whould come and pick them up. Unfortunately the ship was three weeks out. Three weeks they would have to spend in this swamp!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Atlantis basked in the positive emotions her children were emitting. And of course she could take out and savour the memory of the past month and her perfect plan.

By the time the _Daedalus_ had brought Samantha Carter back here, SGA 1 & 2 had successfully retrieved Elizabeth Weir, a much better leader for her children. Samantha Carter had beamed down and the look on her face had been priceless when she had come face-to-face with Elizabeth Weir waiting for her.

Atlantis had scanned the report of the _Daedalus_ crewmen who had found Samantha Carter on the planet. According to the report she had not been extremely coherent at the time.

So now everything was back to normal. Rodney McKay and the other scientists once more had free reign and her systems were running smoothly again. Samantha Carter had gone back to Earth for an extended vacation before returning to SGC as head scientist. Elizabeth Weir had resumed her position as leader of the Atlantis expedition, making everyone happy and thus making Atlantis happy. Hmm, Especially John Sheppard seemed more upbeat these past few days.

Oh, and Atlantis had called in a favour from Athar. When Samantha Carter finally returned to her duties, she will find she had a new assistant: Peter Kavanagh.

Perhaps now Atlantis could turn her attention to getting Carson Beckett back...

***

_Authors' note: no, we feel no remorse whatsoever. Samantha Carter had it coming! Hubby had taken one look at us while writing this, and he had backed out of the room. Until now he had not been aware of the evil that could lurk in the hearts of three women. Hey, the evil laughter of us enjoying Sam's ordeal should have clued him in!_


End file.
